If you want to succeed in low-stakes pub poker it is important to understand the different types of players you will encounter and the strategies they employ in order to effectively combat them. You can also select the style that most suits your personality based on this guide. I have spent many years studying these games and players, along with several minutes typing this up, to bring you what I hope is an invaluable guide to the bear pit of the modern pub poker game as you spend countless hours getting drunk and chasing dirty fivers.
Tight / Aggressive
This style has the benefit of being easy to learn with the added bonus that very little is required from you except folding and shouting. A fundamental aspect to this strategy is that at no time should you offer to buy anyone a drink. That just cuts into your ROI and is seriously -EV. Instead just fold every hand and get blinded out until you shove your last four big blinds when you finally get dealt Aces. When the table donkey, who is inexplicably the chip leader, busts you with seven–deuce call them a twat, throw your paltry remaining chips at them and storm off, vowing never to return as you have final proof you are the unluckiest person in the world and live poker is confirmed rigged.
Loose / Aggressive
This is similar to tight / aggressive style, but your starting hand requirements are much looser, as are your bowels, with high flatulence levels due to the six pints of Carling chucked down your neck. Verbal aggression can be replaced with physical violence if your choice of gas production is Stella Artois. This style of play is quite hard to combat, but if you find yourself up against one of these players it is important to have position on them, preferably on another table altogether to avoid noxious gasses and the threat of a broken nose.
Wannabe Pros
You probably have Stapes and Hartigan commentating in your head as you play, or if you’re from the States, Mike Sexton or that bore David Tuchman. The other players may think you’re unnecessarily tanking when you take five fucking minutes to make every decision, but you’ve seen it on TV and that’s what makes the pros so great to watch. You should also pick a particularly annoying way to put your chips in the pot so it’s impossible to see how much you’re betting. Feel free to go through the range of hands your opponent could have out loud because the rest of the players are hanging on every word of your brilliant analysis. Occasionally, you will randomly stumble on a correct guess but pay them off anyway because, hey, that’s what Daniel Negreanu does. A card protector and some sort of poker apparel should be de rigueur. You should also develop an advanced folding strategy with a snap of the wrist to helicopter your rejected cards high in the air. Let some other poor sap retrieve them from the floor as you explain why your fold was based on Nash equilibrium.
Dealer / Rule Nazi
Make sure you are involved in everything going on at the table, especially when it is not your turn to deal and you have already folded your hand. Tidy up the cards, make change from the pot and look out for players acting out of turn. The last-card-off-the-deck rule is sacrosanct and must be rigidly adhered to even if the returning player is half a second late because the crappy bar staff kept them waiting to get served for ten minutes while they loaded the dishwasher. Keep an eye out for string bets and strictly enforce it even if one chip accidently fell on the felt. Just because it’s a pub game there’s no reason players shouldn’t be held to the highest EPT standards. The important thing is that the RULES MUST BE FOLLOWED. Actual poker strategy is secondary to this, so after you bust out on some stupid bluff against the table drooler who calls you down with bottom pair, offer to deal for the remaining players as the respect they have for you will only increase and one of them may even gratefully mutter, ‘I’m not bothered, suit yourself.’ If, however, you deal poker as a job you will be far too jaded to get involved in this nonsense as you will be too busy numbing your senses with a bottle or two of the house white.
No Fold ’Em Hold ’Em
This is a popular and easy-to-learn style. The game is called Texas Hold ’Em not Texas Fold ’Em. You have been dealt two cards for a reason: they are for playing. Do not under any circumstances fold, as you will then be unable to win the chips in the middle. Be sure to ask, ‘How much?’ every time you are reminded that action is on you, and then take your time to select the correct chips. Don’t worry if it takes several attempts to do this as poker players are generally a patient and sympathetic bunch. If your cards don’t match the flop, don’t worry, there are another two cards to come. Ask, ‘How much?’ again, lift your cards off the table and hold them to your chest to have another peek, and proceed to carefully select the correct chips again. It is important to call the final bet on the river regardless of what the board reads or who you’re against. Remember: you can’t win if you fold. Voila, your full house with eight–three is good. You lucky twat.
The Willy Waver
For this player poker is a battle of egos. Every bet is an affront to their masculinity. The flop over-bet is your friend. Let’s see those pussies call now! They don’t have the balls, and if they do just shove it in their face on the turn. Be sure to show just one irrelevant card after your opponent folds so they know you have a large penis. You will accumulate a big stack by the second level and then donk it all off in what you will insist was a good play as your opponent was an idiot for calling you with top pair. You are now free to shovel pound coins into the fruit machine before the cash game starts, when you’ll have another chance to show everyone you’re the man.
El Spaniard (The Spaniard)
Similar to the Willy Waver, but you will need to be Spanish and sport a bushy beard to play this style. You will want to see most flops cheaply then bluff with a pot-sized bet until you pick up a premium hand like Ace-rag or a pair of deuces. This is the stone-cold nuts and you should get your 100bb stack in the middle as quickly as you can. When it is your turn to deal don’t follow the herd and put out a neat flop; simply fling out the cards using just one hand to pluck them from the deck and chuck them in the middle. It doesn’t matter where the turn or river card go. It may infuriate everyone else but they just don’t get that you are flamboyant and daring. Your beard marks you out as an individual who cares little for the prevailing fashion of everyone else having a fucking beard.
GTO (Game Theory Optimal)
Poker theory has developed hugely over the last few years, and the latest fad for people to drone on about without ever really understanding the first thing about it is GTO, which stands for ‘Game Theory Optimal’. Game theory is a branch of applied mathematics that has techniques to solve for different types of optimal strategies. In the poker world GTO is used to describe an optimal unexploitable equilibrium strategy. Got it?
Although GTO strategy is mostly suited to high-level players, I have tweaked this approach to come up with an optimal theory for pub poker: a stratagem called GTFO. Having played thousands of real-life low-stakes games and many more simulations in my head, I have found the optimal line to take in most situations turns out to be staying at home with your feet up, a few beers in the fridge and the football on the telly.
The Poker Writer
You will be in the privileged position of listening to other players’ bad beats. The fact that one hand beat another hand is endlessly fascinating to poker writers, so don’t worry about stack sizes or position or when the money went in; the fact that you lost to quads is all we need to know to satisfy our deep love of poker. When at the table you will mostly need to be on your phone checking Twitter to distract from the endless poker chatter and to show you’re above such inanity because you’re like, jaded or something. Occasionally glance at the crazy action, shake your head and mutter when your opponent chases and hits their gut-shot. You can then spin this nonsense into gold when you publish your semi-humorous self-deprecating half-baked musings on an obscure blog that ensures everyone will hate you. Congratulations. You are living the dream.
Whatever style you decide to play, remember that poker is just a game. Not one of those fun games where you feel the warmth of camaraderie and the sense of satisfaction that only healthy competition brings. No, poker is a game of endless frustration that will leave you emotionally drained, bewildered, disappointed in yourself, and angry at the universe over the injustice of it all.
Have fun at the felt.
